


As Real As Can Be

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 06:02:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10758207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: A look at Voyager’s arrival in the Alpha Quadrant from Chakotay’s POV, his realisation and the appropriate JC ending.





	As Real As Can Be

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Brianna for a wonderful beta.

It never ceases to amaze me how often it’s the smallest and most seemingly insignificant of occurrences that bring about the greatest changes in one’s life. As much as it surprises me, it also speaks to the mystical quality of existence that I so revere. As insignificant as these moments may seem, they often hold the power to move and stir us, to reveal the consequences of actions we hadn’t previously considered.

In a world where we can harness the stars, it humbled my soul to be conquered by something as small and inconsequential as a tear. One precious drop of briny water was the magic philtre that shattered my resolve and changed my life forever. As that tear tipped over her lashes and slid down her cheek, my heart was set free. Free to be hers again, and with that emancipation our souls connected, and our lives catapulted towards a totally different but extraordinary trajectory.

She’s lying here now beside me, and I guard her as she sleeps. I’m still not wholly convinced that this is real and fear that if I close my eyes I’ll awaken to find it is only a dream – one I’ve had many times over the years, but never imagined that it would be realised.

Reassured by the feeling of sweet tension in my chest, I am still in awe. The sensation hasn’t subsided in hours; not since that moment on the bridge when I turned and saw her bare her soul, and the feeling swells again as I watch her slumber. The slow, steady rise and fall of her chest, the sticky warmth of her body against mine, are proof that this is indeed real.

She tosses and mumbles, rolling onto her side and reaching for me. Even in sleep, she hungers for the connection, as do I. Her arm drapes over my chest and she settles back into sleep, tucked closely against my side. I breathe deeply; I’m surrounded by her subtle scent and gently slip my arm around her, holding her close and safe. She smiles as she slumbers and my soul rejoices.

I marvel at her, my heart beating a little faster as I contemplate the woman lying in the bed next to me. Her usually neat, well-groomed hair is tangled and tossed carelessly across the pillow. In her nakedness, she’s strikingly small and almost fragile in appearance, but I’m not fooled. Even though there is an endearing vulnerability about her that softens the mettle, she is a tower of strength and much stronger than I could ever be.

Her power is her spirit and her will. She is bold, courageous and fearless, and again I am humbled when I think that she would have let this, let us go. She would have remained my friend, confidante and comrade, as I moved on and loved another. We both know that she had the strength and forbearance to do this, having made that very sacrifice in another time and place… and survived. What cut to the very core of my being was the realisation that the Kathryn from that other timeline had made this sacrifice because she loved me and thought that a life with Seven was what would make me happy and whole. I know my Kathryn would have done the same, stepping aside without hesitation, if the circumstances hadn’t intervened.

I don’t have that sort of fortitude. It would – and did – destroy me, causing me to lose hope when she turned to another. Her attachment to Jaffen had been the final straw and I had drawn away from her at that point. I lost the will to continue loving her from afar. My sense of self-preservation overtook my strength of will and I decided to move on, but in the end, it had been impossible. I would gladly die for her, fight to the death for her, but I have learned that she is my strength and I love her with every part of my being. It seems I always have and I know I always will.

Closing my eyes, I shudder to think how easily I could have missed that epochal moment, and in mere seconds, our lives would have veered off onto a completely different path. My mind boggles at the capricious nature of fate.

We were home.

Voyager, after bursting spectacularly from the fiery belly of the Borg sphere, sailed serenely into the midst of the armada of Starfleet vessels. Vessels, deployed in haste to deal with a presumed Borg invasion, that were now our escort for the last few million kilometres to Earth.

The silence was jarring after the battering we’d taken coming through the conduit and the subsequent destruction of the sphere.

After sending Tom to sickbay to be with his new family, Kathryn turned to me and ordered, “Mister Chakotay, the helm.”

In that moment, I knew true fear. After everything that we’d been through in the last seven years and more significantly the previous twenty four hours – our confrontation with the Collective, our flight through the collapsing conduits, our encounter with the Borg sphere – it was only now that I felt my life was truly at risk.

‘Mister’. That one word said _so_ much. It resonated with a complexity of meanings. A thousand thoughts and feelings tumbled erratically through my mind at the implications – anguish, fear and sadness, only to circle back again.

Firstly, and most significantly, it was a sign of respect from one captain to another. We were back in the Alpha Quadrant and my ‘temporary’ demotion was now at an end. I was a captain again in my own right, master of my own destiny, but it also meant the end of so many other dear and precious things – our affiliation, our command structure, our unique relationship as captain and first officer, our family and our lives as friends and colleagues. From this moment on, nothing would be the same. It was momentous and almost impossible to process.

All these thoughts spun like whirling tops through my mind as I crossed the command deck to fulfil her order – most likely one of the last she would ever give me. That thought alone nearly floored me and by the time I got to my post, my legs were like jelly, my heart pounding and I felt ill. I toppled into my seat at the helm in a kind of stupor.

We’d reached our goal. The shining light that had beckoned us for all these years was there before us. Earth in all its glory.

We were home, but what was going to happen now? Our sights, well mine at least, had been so keenly focussed on getting home, that I hadn’t really given much thought to what would happen once we were here. There was Seven, of course and our budding relationship. What would happen to that? It hadn’t really occurred to me that I would have to deal with it within the framework of a life on Earth. All of a sudden, I felt lost. Adrift. My anchor and mainstay were dissolving under me and I didn’t know what to do.

I glanced around the bridge. Was I the only one feeling this? I seemed to be. All the crew’s faces were lit with abject delight.

Earth was a glittering, blue jewel on the viewscreen. It seemed so close, I felt that if I reached out I could touch it. I had a vision of plucking it from the night sky and handing it to Kathryn as a kind of token. Of what, I wasn’t sure, but I felt this moment needed some sort of recognition and, in my bewildered state, this grand gesture seemed almost feasible.

The end of our odyssey was near and with that thought my eyes misted with tears.

Instead of the bright jewel, however, all I saw now was the means by which my life, the one that I had so dearly cherished, was about to end. I could barely breathe and had an awful feeling that I might throw up or faint. Gripping the sides of the helm console, I forced myself to take deep steadying breaths and once my vision cleared, I again turned to look at the crew to gauge their reactions.

Seven was standing stoically at the Science station; she glanced at me and quirked her brow questioningly. Confusion and distress must have been clearly written on my face for her to have noticed. I shifted my gaze, not wanting her to read too much into my look, although she was more intuitive than most gave her credit and it wouldn’t take her long to figure out what was wrong. I looked at Harry. He was grinning happily, his eyes bright with tears of joy and relief. Tuvok was a rock, staring impassively at the planet ahead. I wondered if he would be so composed if we were coming into orbit around Vulcan, but knowing our aloof Tactical Officer, he probably would be. Ayala, Ashmore and Brooks were still busy at their stations, but sneaking glances and smiling at the image on the viewscreen. My scan of the bridge finally came to rest on the central character, our leader, my captain and my friend.

It was at this moment that my life and my future shifted so dramatically.

Kathryn Janeway was sitting quietly in her command chair. I say quietly, but she was anything but subdued. There was an energy about her, an aura of elation and exultation surrounding her that was almost blinding in its intensity. It took my breath away. She seemed to glow in the dim bridge lighting. For the last seven years, she had lived for this moment. This was her Shangri-La, her Everest. She’d risked everything to get here, and now, at last, she was free. Her eyes met mine and as they did, a single tear tipped from her lashes and slid down her cheek.

It was like a gut punch, an epiphany on a monumental scale. Her eyes, bright blue and shimmering with delight, drilled into mine. It was all there, nakedly and unashamedly exposed, her heart and her feelings written plainly for me – for all – to see. My heart almost burst from my chest. All the love that I thought I had bound so tightly and secreted deep within me, ruptured from its stifling constraints, spilling over and flowing towards her.

The tear on her cheek shimmered in Earth’s reflected light, shining like a diamond against her pale skin. I saw it as a small bright emblem of what we felt for each other. A symbol of our love – deep, enduring, unique and indestructible. A love that I thought we’d farewelled long ago, but it seemed to have merely taken shelter until such time as it was safe to be exposed, and now that time had come.

Our gazes held for several heartbeats; our innermost thoughts and feelings bared. There could be no doubt in anyone’s mind, least of all ours, of the outcome of this and Kathryn nodded to me slowly, acknowledging the moment as a small smile playing around her lips.

Her hand rose from the armrest, fingers splayed, and then she curled her hand into a fist. I knew what it meant and my heart soared to even greater heights. It was a re-enactment of that moment on New Earth when I had told her, in so many words, that I loved her. She was returning the gift and the promise, and in that one simple gesture, she gave those weary words life and approbation. My eyes remained locked with hers as I mirrored her gesture, lifting my hand and then slowly curling it into a loose fist. Slowly we smiled at each other, secure once more in our mutual love. I held her gaze for a few moments longer and then, after taking a deep breath, I swung back towards the viewscreen and my station.

My uncertainty and anguish dissolved and I knew, without a doubt, in which direction my future lay. It was a new journey, but one I had ventured in my mind many times over the years.

Kathryn and I would be together always.

I would speak to Seven and explain, but if she was as intuitive as I surmised, she would need very little by way of explanation, especially after witnessing what had just happened. Hurting her feelings was the last thing I’d wanted, but the moment I looked at Kathryn, I knew that a future with anyone else had become an impossibility.

Thirty minutes later, we dropped into orbit around Earth and watched the clouds swirl over the Pacific as Africa came into view. It was a remarkable sight and there was a palpable sense of excitement on the ship. People were smiling and laughing, going about their jobs with their usual efficiency but there was a sense of delight and relief that overrode every action and routine.

Tuvok spoke from his place at Tactical. “We are at station keeping, Captain, and Starfleet Operations has relayed the co-ordinates for our holding pattern.”

“Co-ordinates laid in, Captain and moving to prescribed orbit.” My voice sounded steadier than I felt but I kept my eyes on the viewscreen. If I turned towards Kathryn, there was no telling what I might do. My instinct was to sweep her into my arms, right there and then, to hold her tight to me, and never let her go. Good sense prevailed, however, at least for now and I smiled to myself.

I heard movement and felt Kathryn close behind me. She rested her hand on my shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze. “Nice driving, Chakotay. You have the bridge; I’ll be in my ready room.”

I nodded as her hand dragged tantalisingly across my shoulders and I turned to watch her disappear behind the closed doors of her sanctuary. It was then that I caught another movement out of the corner of my eye. Seven was also making her way to the ready room doors. I instantly went to alert, watching her, with a good deal of trepidation, as she rang the chime. I heard Kathryn’s voice calling her to enter. Making a conscious effort not to leap from my chair and hold her back, I was astonished when, right before she stepped through the doors, Seven turned to me and smiled. It was a gentle, knowing smile and I relaxed, trusting her to do the right thing, if not for my sake, then for Kathryn’s. I smiled in return as she spun on her heel and entered the ready room.

It was only later that Kathryn revealed what happened with Seven.

We’d received word from Admiral Paris that Voyager would be required to remain in orbit until all the crew had endured one final medical check and the Doctor had downloaded the results to Starfleet for analysis. Kathryn and I were first in line, ordered to sickbay by an officious and pompous EMH. I think the Doctor, with all of Starfleet behind him, saw it as an opportunity to make the captain comply at least once with his orders. However, she beat him at his own game by agreeing without a word of complaint. It took the wind right out of his sails and he’d been left gaping and huffing indignantly. I couldn’t help laughing as she’d winked at me from behind his back. He’d been so looking forward to winning this particular stoush but, as always, she was not to be underestimated.

Lying on neighbouring biobeds, she told me what had happened with Seven.

Kathryn looked towards me, her expression unreadable. “I know about you and Seven. The Admiral told me, but more about that later.” Her eyes softened and she looked almost apologetic. “I wish I wasn’t the one to tell you, but it’s over between you. Seven has ended the relationship.”

I shook my head. “I assumed and I’m not sorry.”

Kathryn nodded, turning to look at the ceiling and whispered. “I wish I could say I was sorry, but I’m not either.”

My heart clenched in my chest. The thought that I’d hurt her was a bitter blow. I opened my mouth to apologise, but she held up her hand to stop me. “Don’t apologise. You did nothing wrong and if it was meant to be, I would have accepted it, but I know that it wasn’t and I’m grateful that we now have a chance of a future together.” She took a deep breath. “When Seven came to the Ready Room she asked me, in her own inimitable way, if I loved you.”

I held my breath, barely able to focus as I waited for her answer. Thankfully, it wasn’t long in coming.

She reached her hand towards me. “I told her yes, I loved you and had for many years.”

I almost leapt off the biobed with the news. Kathryn saw me move and shook her head, pointing towards the scanner arched over my chest. “The Doctor won’t be pleased if you break his biobed.”

“You finally tell me you love me and I’m trapped and can’t do a thing about it. Are you sure you’re not doing this to punish me?”

She laughed, but with a finger against her lips indicated that I should be quiet. The Doctor was in his office monitoring us, and although he should be out of earshot, holograms have acute hearing and ours was not renowned for his discretion. Not that it really mattered now, but this was something that belonged to us and only us. It was new, precious and neither of us wanted to share it quite yet, although I figured it wouldn’t take the crew long to figure it out.

I looked over my shoulder to see if the Doctor was still in his office. He seemed preoccupied for the moment, so I reached my hand towards her again. Too far away to touch, my eyes held hers in an intense gaze and I whispered. “I love you with all my heart.”

Kathryn nodded and beamed at me. “I’m glad.” This time she peered behind her to see where the Doctor was. He was still in his office. “When we’re finished here, I’d like to discuss this in more depth.”

I waited for the alarms to ring on the biobed readouts. I could feel my heart galloping in my chest, my breaths had become panted gasps and I swear my temperature had shot up several degrees. Her eyes were dark with promise and I felt like a schoolboy. I had to turn away before I embarrassed myself with my body’s reactions.

Spirits, she was extraordinary. All these years and I’d never had a clue. I’d never seen that look in her eyes before. How she’d managed to hide it all this time, I had no idea. I marvelled at her strength of will and was so grateful that I hadn’t been exposed to this side of her before now. If I’d spent the last seven years knowing how she felt, with the added knowledge that this passion and love had to be held at bay, I think I would have gone mad. I could never have resisted her.

Believing that she felt only friendship for me, I’d had the strength of will to deal with the feelings of unrequited love and it had helped keep the urges contained. If I’d known she reciprocated my feelings and had denied them, well, I think it would have killed me.

As it was, I was in a bad way. For years, I’d fought my body’s reactions to her proximity, but now any semblance of self-control had been decimated. It was heady, powerful stuff and, as both our arms flopped back onto the biobeds, we stared at one another, the connection made, irrefutable and immutable.

The Doctor returned and, after giving me a strange look, released us from our biobed prisons and shooed us out of sickbay so he could get on with the next patients.

Kathryn and I walked up the corridor, side by side, as we’d done a thousand times before. We maintained the designated command distance, there was no touching, no looks, no sounds, but we must have been unconsciously exuding happiness and joy. We passed several crew on the way back to the Bridge, each of them greeted and smiled at us excitedly. On reaching the turbo lift, Kathryn tapped the control and within seconds the doors opened and we were almost bowled over by a bouncing Tal Celes. She took one look at us and grinning like a Cheshire, grabbed Kathryn’s hand and shook it enthusiastically. “Congratulations Captain, Commander. It’s so wonderful.”

Kathryn stared at me, stunned and I gawped at her. How had they figured it out so soon? We’d only made our declarations minutes before and, for a terrifying moment, I wondered if sickbay was bugged or perhaps the Doctor had sent out a ship-wide notification. Whilst my mind jagged from one horrifying scenario to another, an overwhelmed Celes threw protocol to the winds, something at which she excelled, and pulled Kathryn into a hug. “You did it – we’re home.”

Kathryn met my eyes over the enthusiastic ensign’s shoulder and gave me a relieved smile. Our secret was still safe.

Suddenly realising that she was hugging the captain, Celes pulled back and began babbling an apology, but Kathryn smiled and patted her shoulder.

“As you were, Ensign, and welcome home.”

Celes’ grin widened. “Thank you, Captain. Thank you.” And with a skip, she turned and took off up the corridor.

Words were not needed but smiling at one another, we stepped into the turbo lift to return to the Bridge.

In the confines of the lift, the urge to haul Kathryn into my arms was almost overwhelming. I had become hypersensitive to her presence, her scent surrounded me, almost making me light-headed. I could feel the warmth of her body near mine and my arm tingled where she swayed towards me.

I glanced at her. She was staring straight ahead but I could see her jaw straining and her pulse jumping in her neck. She was in a similar state of heightened awareness and, strangely, that had a calming effect on me. We both needed to be strong for the time being. There were things to organise, reports to be written, logs to be recorded and decisions to be made. As much as our personal lives had changed in the last several minutes, what had been our life for the last seven years, took priority. Voyager’s needs and those of our crew would come first, but for once, there was no sense of resentment attached to that thought. To know that there was a future for us beyond Voyager and Starfleet was enough to buoy my heart and give me the strength to do what had to be done.

We managed. Kathryn spent most of the afternoon in her ready room in discussions with admirals and Federation Council members negotiating terms for the crew – specifically the Maquis, the Equinox Five, the Doctor, Tom Paris, Seven and Icheb. She drove a hard bargain, unwilling to compromise, knowing that she held all the cards in her hand, but also aware of the fact that whatever terms she hammered out with Starfleet would mean the difference between a life behind bars or freedom for many members of the crew. With Admiral Janeway’s technology from the future and information on transwarp and the Borg networks, she held the power brokers to ransom until she had their word in writing, countersigned by the Federation President that there would be no incarcerations, experimentation, reprogramming, withholding of remuneration or warrants issued to any of the crew. Once that documentation had been forwarded and verified, she released the technology and information. Her job, at last, was done.

We were home free. All of Voyager’s crew, thanks to Kathryn, could move forward with their lives unhindered by threats from authorities. She’d saved us again and fulfilled her promise to us all.

There were the usual round of celebrations going on throughout the ship and we attended several, spending an obligatory amount of time before quietly making our way to Kathryn’s quarters.

The slide from friends to lovers was seamless, and within moments of entering her quarters, we were standing by her bed slowly and deliberately removing each other’s clothing. Our lovemaking was unhurried, gentle and forgiving. Everything I’d ever imagined it to be, as was she. As passionate in bed as she was in life, I’ll never forget her cries of delight and her face as she soared in the rapture of her climax. We gave ourselves to each other without pride or pretension. It was an extension of our lives, a perfect lesson in give and take.

She’s stirring at my side now and I feel her lighten in my arms as she moves towards wakefulness. She looks up at me.

“Hello there. Have you slept?”

I shake my head and she smiles. She knows and understands. Leaning up, she kisses me and I see another tear shimmer on her lashes. She whispers in my ear as I feel that tear splash on my shoulder. “It’s time for you to rest now. I’ll keep watch and be here when you wake.”

I sag back into the bed. With her reassurance, I feel the tendrils of sleep begin to wrap around me. Her arms hold me close and with her breath on my neck, her body draped over mine, she keeps vigil and I slumber.


End file.
